difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

hbbd```b``z"gIiR `m0L`r OS$c;v\T$20m (?cO = I needed it today. They run rampant on dating sites. 185 0 obj <>stream I do not think he knows that I know this or that he is married. That just comes with time and distance. He has feelings we assume and is a person and shouldnt, in my view, be so blatantly and thoughtlessly disregarded as an object of no significance in the context of CCs painful situation or within the context of subsequent responses. Its unfair. Lavendar, the fact that youre taking this all in means that on some level you have self-preservation. Sooner or later, your drug dealer comes around again You remember how you felt, and know it did you no good, only harm. I second guessed myself, I felt guilty and ashamed and I believed him when he said that I was inadequate and wouldnt be able to cope as a mother to my children. Theyre either in or theyre out!When you say no to being in one-sided and lopsided relationships, you say yes to loving yourself and prioritising mutually fulfilling relationships with love, care, trust and respect.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Please, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want, comes out this month. Lessons were learned & I am working on me & my EU tendencies which have been there since childhood I am guessing. I think Ive been too polite and nice with all this. Grudges are toxic to relationships. Ill let you know how it goes. You can draw a boundary without being bitter. He has since ended things with gf, though he continues to be friends with her, and is trying to reconcile our friendship. %%EOF Improved mental health. He can protect his own ego by staying away from me and working on improving himself as I move on. Why Hints Are Clues To What's Really Up With Your Relationship. "Take a look at the feelings that arise immediately after you think about an old friend, a past co-worker or an ex. Mayo Clinic on Incontinence - Mayo Clinic Press, NEW The Essential Diabetes Book - Mayo Clinic Press, NEW Ending the Opioid Crisis - Mayo Clinic Press, FREE Mayo Clinic Diet Assessment - Mayo Clinic Press, Mayo Clinic Health Letter - FREE book - Mayo Clinic Press. That doesnt work, and so I was pouty. We cant please everyone but the Lord sees my heart so Im good with it ! I learned to do without her when I was about 8. Thanks dcd, yes it was my daughter and son seeing how he treated me that finally made me make the final breaktheir dad is not like this man at all so they have never experienced someone like this before and the day my daughter faced my ex AC clown and told him that she wished I would tell him to fk off was when I realised that while I was trying to keep my two lives separate it was impacting on my lovely daughter, who never swears let alone had ever hated somebody (and hate him she did). Lately however, Ive given myself permission not to like people for their behavior. Youve only got a limited amount of control over those you can choose which waves to ride (thanks, BR meme!) grudge - WordReference English dictionary, questions, discussion and forums. Your instincts will tell you when youre ready to move forward and when youve unloaded your baggage. It is constantly holding something over another person's head, not letting them recover from a past failure. I feel like hes pushing it in my face to get a reaction from me. If you're unable to move forward without feeling embittered or angry when you think about the incident, then you're probably harboring a grudge. They may have seen it, heard about it, read about it, but they havent experienced it for themselves. I think what helps is just seeing it through, dealing with the down moments because everyone has those and I think maybe we always will, but its about focusing on the good times and sticking to the things that are great for you. I see him now and again in passing and we are polite but quick, and he knows what he did. Feeling bitter, ignoring that person, getting angry about unrelated things, and thinking about them negatively are all signs you could still be holding a grudge. This behavior continued into adulthood. Are you worthy of the air you breathe? "You might plan to get together with a friend or go out with your boyfriend, but then decide to cancel at the last minute, just because you don't feel right about it or aren't "up to it," Habash said. I also still feel a lot of responsibility for him, which was the other thing that kept me tied. If youre a survivor of abuse or trauma, the concept of forgiveness can be a complex topic to discuss. The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes. It would be easy to put myself under a load of pressure to try to do All The Things in the name of book promo, but my body said no to hoeing myself out. "If we can hurt them like they have hurt us.". 30 Signs That Someone Isnt Interested Or Is Half-Heartedly Interested In You: How To Avoid Being a Passing-Time Candidate. Theyre either in or theyre out! It lasted only three months, yet I got really deep into it (still am). He did you a favor by telling you, he couldnt do relationships, but you didnt listen when they give you this gem of info. I know this may be hard to read, all I can say is that from my own past experience when I was young (you sound quite young but I am making an assumption) when I felt overwhelmed with emotional pain I sometimes acted out from a place of fear, confusion and unwillingness to feel the pain of rejection. I appreciate your imput. He didnt care about you before, so why would he care now? Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. I accepted that I have always been different to this group of people (and I can say that nothing has changed given the connections to old school chums through Facebook). Im sure even though you may not be Christian, if you practice or still value the Native American doctrines there are bound to be some similar beliefs. Bless you for your response. Keep in mind, this is referring to moving on without someone, not with someone. I am paralyzed even after all this time with a feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. NO! Frontiers in Psychology. Im not a helpless, vulnerable child any more, yet cant bring myself to name them individually when I pray. She has proven over and over again what kind of person she is and it's the kind you don't want to be around. Wonderful. my mother has a massive part in enormous damage there too. If you forgive, you may be able to let go of your grudge and start to move on with your life. Its also not a dating handbook. I worked SO hard trying to make the relationship work while he either withdrew emotionally while he attacked and blamed me. Is it you thats the problem? It then becomes that were running around forgiving everyone else but that we cant forgive ourselves and so we keep going back to pain sources to gain that forgiveness through validation, which only leads to more pain. I was sexually abused by a family member on her side, and instead of protecting me, she wanted me to be quiet about it to keep the peace. "Resentment is the feeling we have been wronged by someone else and holding a grudge is the belief that we will feel better when we have shown the other person how angry we are," Carrie Krawiec, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Troy, Michigan, told INSIDER. Hell, no! Im confused. Ive now had a couple months with the MM at work having gotten the message and having backed completely off. There have been many dramatic scenes during which I talked too much and he apologized, mostly sincerely. I guess the attraction is that hes intelligent and I thought he was a nice guy. Cause, really To me, its no different than drugs or alcohol. Why spend that much time and energy its because theres still a grudge.. Or immature? Perfect explanation Sparkle! Not only that, but you can find yourself taking advantage of any opportunity to let your voice be heard. Try seeing the situation from the other person's point of view. Boundary or grudge, whats the difference? Twice previously, Ive tried to b a platonic friend w this twit post ending the r.ship w him (my call both times) & twice he acted poorly, leading me to withdraw & move on. I want to contact him less frequently. That worked. Sending love and hugs your way. You can control how much, you get to say when and how much. Its a choice. LavendarHow many adult men do you know who brag about bedding sluts and loose women but in reality respect/like women and are monogamous and faithful? Unsubscribe at any time. Its funny if you were feeding homeless people at 4am you wouldnt beat yourself up about the fact that you didnt much enjoy getting out of bed to do it. This happened a few times several years ago. I had to wrestle and wrestle with forgiveness for a few years there and in the end I just came to terms with the fact that I wasnt going to feel okay if I thought about it, so the best thing was to probably not think about it more than I could help (although, in keeping with the religious theme, I found that God helped with this when I asked). This content does not have an English version. "The feeling that causes you to want to back out is likely a resentment lurking beneath the surface.". I cant turn off deep, authentic feelings. The strange thing is that we actually feel better when we stop pretending that we dont feel the way that we do or that we dont have needs, wants, and expectations. Hes playing with your heart. I have no idea why I had such a high threshold for this in the past. Thanks everyone for your really helpful advice. I feel awful at the moment and I dont want you or anyone else to even try to understand why. Six weeks laterhe reappeared in my city on his way to a job in a neighboring state. I have finally, finally made the break from my husband, after years of disrespectful and sometimes abusive behaviour. I thought Id feel better for telling him how I felt, but I dont- the sting of rejection and being discarded still burns. I am dating a new guy, very casual and early stages. CC, I just read your comment. He tried like hell to convince me to be present to now. Im trying to bresk free of a habit, and sometimes think it could be different, and though it might be marginally different, the same basic ingredients exist and would have their same affect if i let them. Interesting post & timing of it. What's the difference between setting and respecting a boundary vs. holding a grudge? Advertising revenue supports our not-for-profit mission. Thank you Courtney and Lizzie. Probably just enough self respect to pull me away from 9+ months with a sociopath. A hustler respects the process and knows what it really takes to achieve the seemingly impossible, while grinders often hate because they don't understand how to similarly master the game. When it gets to close 4 comfort they disappear into the night. The recent comments from those of us whove given up (for now)arent because were pessimistic or bitter or whatever. Im sorry for you too. Its been three years since we parted and I no longer feel pain over what happened. Thanks Tinkerbell! Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. I love what you said about real friends would support you, see your reason for NC and not have him showing up ay parties you will be coming to. He was not dropping it, he was taking it to a new height and I fell for it. If he could correct his situation he would and I know he feels worse about it than I do. Its also not a punishment. When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger and resentment or embrace forgiveness and move forward. It feels so awful not to handle things well and to lose so much confidence. Victim's perspective of forgiveness seeking behaviors after transgressions. Of course I didnt get it because he knew he could control just from the promise of a crumb. And my ex is sort of like yourssmiley and nice, genial and willing to help. Probably. Even months or years later, were so committed to our anger that we start to lose perspective. ReadyforChange, I would advise you not to break NC. However, when taking the subway, a man recognized me from high school, someone who I knew of from a mutual friend in school but thats it. You see Magnolia, this is what I was saying before. To hold a grudge is to have and maintain a feeling of anger, bitterness, or resentment toward someone for something they did, especially a wrong that you think they committed against you. Someone he doesnt have to fully invest in or commit to, regardless of the title he may give her. I want to report I have gone over 3 months no contact, although I occasionally ask my mutual friend how the ex is doing, in general. Theres a saying, What you resist persists,and its true. Then you think you can trust yourself, this time. A truly, kind, genuine man, would not refer to women as loose and sluts, or joke about having many on the go. I am and will always be a person of extremes. Hard pass! Itll be wasted emotion on your end. All of this led to a fight and unremitting denials about his perceived drug use before he drove off. You dont have to settle just to not be alone. So Ive given myself time to decompress and feel out the next yeses and nos. Not forgiving the person who wronged you is the essence of holding a grudge. Same people. The urge remains to call him and ask, Can you help me make sense of what happened? My eldest took this photo of me last Tuesday the 10th, launch day for my book, The Joy of Saying No, in the US and Canada. I think in Natalies earlier blog posts she talks about how we are usually attracted to people that somehow fulfill our beliefs about relationships/or qualities that we ourselves have or things we value. I could not have made it without Natalies site and books and you alls posts! I think he may have acondition of sorts, he reminds me of the guys on Big Bang theory. Although not of a religious bent I overdid the turn the other cheek and forgive and give the benefit of the doubt thing. Well, I dont know if his red flags are as red as my exs so maybe Im not really seeing red Oh, you are seeing red and he even told you very directly that he has red flags. While I am the queen of holding a grudge, Penn couldn't be more opposite. I have learned to protect myself, and deal with her effectively. When we met he said he wanted a life partner a serious relationship! Hurt on top of more hurt, Mary, I would suggest not responding. Forgiving the person does not mean forgetting about what happened; it is simply acknowledging differences and accepting that everyone makes mistakes. It is taking its toll, Im not looking after myself they way I should, etc., but I hope that with time and strength things will change for the better. AC promptly said he would do what he can, but did nothing just invited my friends over to more lunches and dinners.. keep All my friends getting sweet messages/gifts every other day from him, and I feel like he is trying to win them over. Please be more discriminating in the future. Mothers who REALLY love their children, anyway. Sandy, I am proud of you, too. I did not respond. Getting It!- I havent gone to any of my high school reunions as I dont remember high school as being a happy time, havent kept in contact with anyone from high school so what would be the point? To provide the best experiences, we use technologies like cookies to store and/or access device information. Hes done this before. But that isn't always the case. and then me saying, okay, fine, and then forgetting it all, never bringing it up, and acting like it never happened. If we combine this information with your protected Yes, I ignored huge red flags and was probably a little EU on my end but it sill doesnt excuse what went down. Learn. I dont really need my mother. Mind, I have no idea how that applies to my situation now, so its probably best not read in the light of that. ugh! I know it isnt so I will not be reaching out to him. And thenif he doesnt reply more questions. But in general, it involves an intentional decision to let go of resentment and anger. It also doesn't necessarily mean making up with the person who caused the harm. But if theyre not, theres probably nothing to be gained from letting them carry on reaping the rewards of being unrepetent on you. Creating healthier boundaries in all aspects of my life. Mayo Clinic offers appointments in Arizona, Florida and Minnesota and at Mayo Clinic Health System locations. I dont wish them damnation as their salvation really is the best revenge. My ex told me to stop treating him like a stranger and that we should just be nice to each other erm, you cheated on me and abused me physically and emotionally HELLOOO!?? Youre stronger than you think!!! You hit the nail on the head. If we expect the Lord to forgive us for debts we cant pay, yet we expect other sinners to repay theirs to usitswellkinda hypocritical. It's about caring enough about myself to not make myself a doormat ever again, and using the pain as motivation. He got the ego stroke or attention he was after. What makes someone do that? What are you bearing grudges for? So forgiving someone = loving them = ACTING on whats best for them = steering well clear so that they cant behave in a way that is bad for their soul. The best revenge is your own happiness and success! Thinking about what sorts of feelings a person or situation brings up can help you figure out what's really going on. The weekend was stunningly beautiful, romantic, and had me thinking that all of the demons had left him. Where does this nasty piece of work get off I wonder? Yesterday I had watched this ridiculous episode where the girl was trying sooo hard to get one of the nerds to sleep with him, and I just kept thinking, WHY? (I was afraid they would turn against me). I dont know if I have if I cant even say their names when I pray. Elsevier; 2018. https://www.clinicalkey.com. Like my mother for example? And had my attempts at making everything better by telling him I forgive him or Im over what happened were ALWAYS (not once, but at least 67 times) interpreted as me wanting to get back together. And then, remembering their past actions, not out of anger or vengefulness, allows you to stop and say to yourself before engaging, Hmmmis this likely to happen again with this person? Accessed Nov. 2, 2022. Last off-topic ramble, I promise!!!!!! So you do. I know I have to make a 100% break because its painful to laugh and joke or get into stimulating convos over the phone when I know that he doesnt want to see me because hes avoiding physical intimacy. Grudges are a learned response. May get me fired but someone has to take a stand not be a mindless, obedient doormat. Wondering if I meant anything as he sent a few lame text messages and that was it. This is just what I needed to read today, so thank you so much, Natalie. It is OKAY to like someones personality better than my exs. 5. It feels hard to not want to be that people pleaser and try. It was one of the factors that kept me trying to believe in my exs good intentions so earnestly expressed while he just kept on doing the same old thing and treating me in the same old way. Did we do anything to earn His forgiveness? Even with her hip replacement and all the other physical and health issues she has, I dont even feel sorry for her. Preventing yourself from feeling anything requires a lot of effort, Owen said. If your first reaction is negative, it's likely that there is an underlying reason that you feel that way, even if you can't recall what that reason is.". there is so much more to my current world of pain. information is beneficial, we may combine your email and website usage information with I am extremely not saying hes a bad guy or he shoulda, woulda, coulda. Vindication? Im the same. If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done and want forgiveness, consider reaching out to those you've harmed. But thats the way it is. All you're doing it making yourself unhappy by holding onto it. I will never allow her to the chance to make me feel like I am NOTHINGand that is a direct quoteever again. When u end it. hb```ia eah``l8#Cmw,N "Putting too much cream in the coffee or fighting over the TV remote can turn into a major blow-up due to the backlog of unresolved feelings in the relationship.". Designed to make you chase him for the carrot of a FWB relationship. Don't be afraid to ask for some space or take a step back before continuing the conversation. He left me a voicemail last sat that just stunned me. Well, dealer seems different, maybe he never wants to live that way of life either. Something about the sordidness and secrecy kept pulling me toward him. Choosing to become emotionally detached and uninterested in someone youre trying to forgive. Ive maintained NC but Im seething inside that he thinks its OK to just drop me and dismiss me as if I was nothing. Why? If you read any if my posts from last weeks blog, I was just broken up with last week and was blindsided and feel sure its because his ex (who is a narcissist) has ventured back into the picture and hes apparently not done being hurt by her. Sometimes, you may find that you're holding a grudge even if you're doing so unintentionally. I am still hurting from this user, one year after he got what he wanted and just disappeared. At first, I tried to play it cool. Yes. Dont have to make a big scene, just not be free to meet up as often. And find a way to learning about and empowering yourself. Do you think its healthy behavior? Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret. Kit-Kat, I suffer from the same problem. NC is brilliant. It is far more powerful than breaking it to talk to him. Done! .and, I believe forgiveness starts with us, first. You feel great in the beginning (that high), then slowly, but surely You begin to feel the toll it takes on you, and those closest to you. NC Nice idea but no one can correct a relationship on their own. Tinkerbell People date those they work with, who go to the same church, the same college, friends of friends, and neighbours. I at first could not believe what was happening and thought something must be terribly wrong with me if I feel possessive/territorial about my friends. I think its important to do what YOU want for once, rather than letting the guilt stop you from moving on. I couldnt really forgive him but I could not let it go either. Drug dealer left town, found another client whose willing to lose even more than you. Hi Ladies and gents. Your words give me validation that I will get past this, I am headed in the right direction & yes Tink, I ended the BS, forever. endstream endobj startxref But there are strategies you can try to help you move past your anger and hurt feelings. Consider reaching out to a mental health professional for guidance on forgiveness as it relates to you and your unique situation. She did not mention the message she had left me. We also get your email address to automatically create an account for you in our website. The difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships is the way the other person makes you feel. Q R$::00% B@,6 :S;c889^L3az?YB3xR08Zq@` o% I was appalled by this. Theres NOTHING wrong (and in fact everything RIGHT) with pulling away from someone who is repeatedly hurting you without letup (especially after theyve been made aware of it!). Maybe they made fun of your favorite outfit, (metaphorically) threw you under the bus at work, or bullied you at school. Also, I think its hard to strike a balance between giving people the benefit of the doubt and being on the lookout for crap behavior. This again pulls the focus back on you and makes you look forward to the future. Even the Bible says that we should freely forgive, but ONLY those who are repentant (i.e., are sorry for what theyve done and who DONT repeat the offending action). The last time was b.c despite him not once accompanying me to a single medical appoint, specialist, hospital rehab etc OR ever visiting me AT ALL to see for himself my condition, he had the audacity to say, he didnt believe I was as sick as I said I was. Vindication? I have to say thanks to Natalies posts, and all your comments and support, I feel a whole lot stronger. The weird thing is that I didnt myself realise how bad it had been, until he was gone. And the question was, how many times should I forgive MY BROTHER, suggesting a close current relationship, not exes. One night the devil made me do it. Grudges are a form of punishment. This response is different from holding a grudge. I was selfish. I replied just saying Its ok. He couldnt even buy a coffee without being all charming and seductive with the girl behind the counter. Narc with more baggage than an airport. With all of my relationships Im the same way. I dont have to try to convince myself that the EUM will eventually come around just to indirectly, silently protect his ego. Your behavior as a mother is scrutinized by your children so you should want to always set a good example for them to follow. You knowbasically the opposite attitude of what Ive expressed in a lot of the comments Ive made about people whove wronged me in my past. We had a rough go of things when I was a teenager. Listen to it. After a 2 year relationship I recently ended the relationshiip and am trying no contact. Though part of me thinks, even if he didnt mean it, its a horrible thing to even say. . If you are a Mayo Clinic patient, this could Your last two posts have come at exactly the right moment. Let him live with that. This of course prompts me to ask WTF and he tells me my friend and their son moved out in Sept. As such, you can follow your conscience and what you think is wise. But, I wasnt judging them or holding a grudge I just dont really like this group of people and cant see the point in revisiting anything with them at all. Like a moth to a flame, I know exactly what its like to feel drawn to this type and if you can, find the strengthfly away fly away! Install a Number-Blocking application on your phone to filter his calls. He then proceeded to delete me from his skype contacts 10 days later, and he went back (he had deleted his account when he was with me) on the dating website where we had originally met (I have cancelled my own account there). Thank you so much. information submitted for this request. What makes me sad is that I wish I had a mother daughter relationship with someonenot her, just someone. You cannot treat people that way. Yet she did it anyway. As a result, choosing men with different faces, names, but always recreating patterns of familiar childhood abuse. Hi Demke, so did my daughter, in the end I wasnt allowed to even mention his name to her lol she really hated how angry he was, and when I said that I got angry as well she said yes but yours is a sad angrysuch a wise soul. This time. I do still have thoughts of having a final dinner with him someday, though What is wrong with me?!! Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. But hopefully its a struggle worth winning. "When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong. Ergo, to forgive someone, you behave in the most loving way you can towards them, whether you feel like it or not. It gives me hope that when I leave this house physically I will have the same sense of relief. I did not acknowledge it. And you may be holding a grudge even if you don't think that you are. Also, key into the pattern of the types of men youre attracted to, and why youre choosing to ignore and excuse all these red flags. The Lords prayer is helpful in learning how to do that because of the line forgive us our debts AS we forgive our debtorsSee? A stronger immune system. Thank you, Sparkle- for your post. Someone told me recently that we all seem to have a cross to bear in this lifetime. In hindsight, I was trying to show the ex that I was a bigger, better person ( since he always mentioned thats how he was and only remembers the good in his relationships (how conveninent for him)). He will always make my skin crawl, a little. Thank God, today I can chalk it up to experience. Feeling bitter, ignoring that person, getting angry about unrelated things, and thinking about them negatively are all signs you could still be holding a grudge. But recognizing what's going on and talking things through with them can help you move on. The last time I saw him was a few hours after he left my bed and he had an actual girlfriend in his We had a several year long r/s, including living together that had been dialed back to living separately and dating. I screamed obscenities at him on his doorstep and went NC and remained that way until this recent contact. I am now interested in another guy and I thought he was a nice guy (just a friend right now), but I overheard him talking to another friend on the phone and saying that he loved our city because there were so many loose women and sluts so he could go out and get some every single night.